Decisions

Dear Aber,

I really don't know what to do right now. I'm so confused. I'm dating such a great guy that deserves someone special. Someone who will be there for him and someone he can be there for. I don't know if I can be that guy right now. We've only been dating a few months, but it's been good. I've been hurting him and I didn't even realized it when I've been pushing him away. I'm just so afraid to getting close and intimate with guys right now. Sometimes I feel so dead inside.

Things would probably be different if I didn't have extra stress due to my mom getting breast cancer and my step dad being hospitalized twice in 4 days. I'm still reeling from guilt about my father's passing. He was taken from this world so suddenly that I didn't have time to tell him how I feel and that I'm sorry that I took him for granted. To make up for all the time I didn't get to spend with him. My father was such an amazing guy. Even though he wasn't the time of person to tell someone that he loved them all the time, the few times he said it to me was straight from his heart. My father died of cancer, but he didn't really suffer.

My mother has breast cancer now and I don't want to make the same mistake. The last couple of years have been so rocky in our relationship. If anything happens to her, I want to make sure that she knows that I love and will always be there for her. I've only known my step father for a short time, but I know that I love him like a father already.

With what's going on with my family, I don't know if I can give the attention needed to build a relationship with my boyfriend. I want him to be happy and I don't want to ever hurt him. I just don't feel like I'm the same place as him...emotionally right now. There are so many things going through my head right now and I'm so scared of making the wrong decision.

I know the right decision is to make my family priority. That's the one thing I know to be the right choice. I just don't know if that choice can include R. I have to spend a lot of my time with my mom and step dad, helping to take care of them as they are recovering. I don't know if I'll have time for a relationship, especially one so new. I'd like to work on the relationship and ideally that would work if I didn't have the other stresses on my life.

R finally got me to open up more and communicate with him more than anyone has in a while. I just don't know if I can fully open up more as my spare time will slowly dwindle. I don't want to rush in making a decision, but I don't want to keep him holding on. Especially if things don't work out.

Will I hurt him more if I end the relationship or will I be saving him from more heartache? I wish time could just stop right now, so that I can take my time in making a decision. Too bad that reality doesn't allow for that.

Thanks,

Scared Shitless

Mama's boy...not for a while.

Dear Aber,

I used to be called a mama's boy when I was younger, but the last few years or so my mother and I haven't been really close. I think I withdrew from my family after my father passed away in the summer of 2007 and when I moved away from home.

It was painful when my father passed away and being around my family made me feel really guilty about how I treated my father. I took him for granted when he was alive and when I'm with my family, it reminds me of that. You'd think I'd act differently toward them and that my father's death would've brought me closer to them. Instead, I drifted away.

Now I feel guilty for drifting away from them. Yesterday I found out from my sister that my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. My father died of cancer and now my mother has cancer. I'm terrified now and been on the verge of crying for the past 24 hours. I feel so helpless. It makes me think about all the fights my mother and I have had the last couple of years and it hurts my heart to think about. I feel like I haven't been a very good son to her. I feel bad for how terrible I've been. I separated myself from my mom and my family, so that I can go off on my own and live me life. I just realized that having my own life doesn't mean that I have to disappear from them.

I've already lost one parent. I don't want to lose another one so soon. I don't know what I would do if I end up losing my mother too. I'm screaming inside and I don't even know how to let out all this stress, pain, and fear. I want to eat like crazy or bake a ton of things or even run to the ends of the world, but I don't even have the energy to do that. All I could think about is hiding out in the corner of a dark room and just lay down in the fetal position and pass out.

I miss being a mama's boy! I'm afraid! I'm hurting!

Why does this have to happen?

xoxo,

ex mama's boy

Thighs like Tree Trunks, Sex, and Bonding

Dear Aber,

The last 2 days were amazing. I feel like I'm dreaming. I met an amazing guy that was visiting his family here in Seattle from LA. At first we met purely for sex and the sex was amazing. I'm mean AMAZING!!! He's the hottest guy that I've ever been with and he thought I was hot too, which I find strange since I don't think I'm hot at all.

It all started from him responding to an online app on my iPhone where I wrote "Thighs like Tree Trunks" on the heading. I sent him a pic of me that accentuated my legs and he replied "Holy shit I'm in love" and sent me a pic of himself. Oh my GOD...I was like he's a damn super model. My impression of him was that he's an 11 out of 10 and can have anyone he wants, so why is he chatting with me. He called me gorgeous and I was surprised. Me? I've never been described as gorgeous.

Anyways, last night after hanging out we ended up bonding over a meal at Sharis. I know it's not a place to take someone as hot as him, but it was the only place open and it rates a small notch above Denny's. Talking with him was like breath of fresh air and something that I needed for a very long time. It's just my luck that I have a perfect yet unperfect date with a guy that's only visiting for a few days. On the bright side, I was lucky enough to even meet the guy, so I'll take what I can get.

If he lived here, I would seriously date the guy and I wish he would move here. The last time I bonded with someone like this was with Andy (if soulmates existed, he would have been mine) and I've never bonded like that with anyone until that last couple of days.

As we said our good byes, I didn't want to let him go. I just wanted to freeze that moment as we hugged and kissed. I just wanted to fall asleep cuddling with him. I can't describe how amazing it all was.

Believe it or not, he made me realize that I haven't given up on finding love and romance. That I will someday find it again. I plan to keep in touch with him for as long as I can and maybe someday we might get a chance at bonding some more.

I can't stress enough how gorgeous he is. He's hot, smart, funny, and the sex was amazing. Ugh! I'm so.....mad and happy at the same time. I could rant on and on about this, but I'm not going too. It is what it is and I'm just happy at the experience I got from it. All I can say is Thank you!

Sincerely,

Thighs Like Tree Trunks

Dating Trend

Dear Aber,

I noticed that a lot of people I know have broken up this summer with their significant others. In fact, I'm one of those people. I got dumped, but that's just details. Anyways, it seems like these same people are also getting on the dating wagon right away. I already notice a few people get into "relationships" already. My ex would probably deny it, but he's in one regardless of what he says. *laughs*

I've been on a few dates here and there, but nothing really concrete. I don't think I'm even ready to jump into another relationship this soon. I just like meeting new people for the most part and increasing my friend base. Yes, I'm up front about it. I don't like leading people on. You may call it noble, but I think it's me being selfish. I believe that I put out to the universe what I want and it'll bring it back to me...or something like that. Basically, I'm being as real as possible to people, because I don't want the "powers that be" to send me fake people.

I notice that a lot of people tend to change their habits for a bit once they start dating someone new. I know I've done it in the past. I'm tired of that crap. I'd rather be honest up front and change with the person I'm with and not change to be with the person. Don't know if that makes sense. For example, I'm nice but I can be a bitch. I show both sides to the person I'm interested in. I don't hide the other side of me.

Recently, I started to quit smoking. I did it before I started hanging out with a smoking cessation counselor. I didn't quit when we are hanging out so that he'd be more interested in me. I've wanted to quit for a long time, but since J smoked I really didn't see the need to. It made it easier to be both smokers than have one non-smoker in the relationship. I should have taken initiative and got us to both quit, but I had changed to be more submissive in our relationship. I guess I really didn't want to be the dominant one. Strangely enough I was the dominant one in the relationship prior to J.

I'm just venting about dating in general. How do people easily move on to the next person quicker than I do? I know we all deal with change or break ups differently, so I can't really compare others to myself. Maybe I'm just slow at letting things go or I analyze things way too much. Maybe it's a little of both.

I seem to follow the same pattern all the time when it comes to dating. I think I'm usually the person that puts 100% into a relationship instead of holding things back. At least that's what I do now. I held back when I was with A only to lose him...more like let him go. I feel like he was the love of my life, but I didn't realize it until after he was gone. Life is funny that way and I think he really likes to play jokes on me.

That was the past and this is now. I'm not following my old patterns and not going with the dating trend that most people do. I'm going to be more honest with myself and the other person. It makes it easier for the both of us to decide whether we become friends, lovers, or another thing entirely. I'm also tired of the whole passive aggressiveness of Seattle. I'm going back to my roots. I'll be the nice guy that I am and the hopeful romantic that I am. I'm not gonna hide those things, but I'd be lying to myself and the other person. I'm not the most masculine guy and I'm proud of it.

I want to be happy like the couples I know and I'm not going to settle for anything less. :-)

Thanks for listening.

Not so sleepless in Seattle

Easier Said than done

Dear Aber,

Tonight I ended up going to a bachelor bar hoping party for a good friend. It so happens my ex is good friends with him and his new boy is also friends with him. At first I thought it would be weird hanging out with my ex and his new squeeze, but it really wasn't so bad. I think I'm really moving on now. It's only been about 7 weeks (not sure) since we had broken up and he's moved on quicker than me. I know I should feel anger, hurt, and be super pissed off, but I'm not. I think I've finally grown up.

I'm really happy for him, since all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. I had hoped that it was me during our relationship, but I just wasn't the right guy. Hopefully M.A. will be the right one. I honestly don't want him to end up getting his heart broken (it's not the usual case for him). He is usually the heart breaker. I just want him to be in a relationship where he can be himself and still be loved. I loved him for who he is regardless of him being an asshole and I want him to find someone that will too. Maybe when he finally feels true love for a person, his attitude will change and show the loving side that I saw a few times in our relationship.

Seeing him and M.A. tonight was easier than I thought. I kept my insanity in check. I guess it helped chatting with him before we ended up at the party. Chatting with him almost felt like old times yet different.

He said he always trusted me and I realized that I didn't always trust him. It was hard too after so many untrustworthy people that I had relationships with. What I learned from him, was that I shouldn't be with anyone I don't trust and not to settle. At the same time, I shouldn't be searching for something better if I already have a great thing.

One day I'll meet they guy that was meant to be with him. I fell in love twice already and it didn't work out, so maybe the 3rd time is a charm.

Anyways, I'm off to bed. I have to be up at 6am on a Saturday so I can compete in this dragon boat race. Hopefully my should will last and I can make it through all 3 races.

Thanks for listening!

The moving on kid

Birthday

Dear Aber,

So I turned 31 today and so far the day has been great. My friends have posted on my FB wall wishing me a fantabulous birthday. My cube was decorated by a mystery co-worker, probably Linda who is on vacation, and the most amazing chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting from Whole Foods. It's been a great day.

Last year after my birthday was when I met J. It would have been nice to celebrate the day with him if we were still together. He probably would have either taken me to dinner or made dinner. His gifts were simple, but they meant a lot. I know the we weren't meant to be, but I still miss the douche. It's getting easier everyday to be single again and I think of him less and less. I still think we had some good times and I don't regret being in a relationship with him at all. I realize it's ok to miss him and still move on. It would've been nice if he wished me happy birthday too. I guess he's giving me space and avoiding me (might be afraid that I'd still be hurt).

I don't really like celebrating my birthday for some reason. I enjoy celebrating other people's more. The good part is that I got to work from home this morning and then come into work just so I can go to lunch. I did do a lot of work from home and after lunch, so I don't feel bad. Everyday isn't my birthday, so I can relax a bit.

My weekend is so booked, so I'm not really doing anything primarily for me. I got a bachelor bar crawl to go to on Friday, dragon boat racing from 7:30 to 5pm on Saturday, and a wedding to go to on Sunday. So much for relaxing during a 3 day weekend. Good thing is that I get to hang out with my good friends and share my weekend with them. I hardly doubt that I'm gonna get birthday booty, but it's all good. I'd rather save sex for when it's more meaningful and with someone meaningful. I haven't been as slutty as I thought I would be being single again and I'm fine with that. At the same time, I don't want to be a serial monogamous/dater.

I want my 31st year of life to be a great one and maybe if I believe it will be, then it'll come true. So far so good. I'm thankful for my family and the great friends I've made throughout my life. Also, with friends like mine, who needs enemies.

I still have this weird feeling that something big is gonna happen soon. Maybe life changing and I don't know what. Somehow I feel connected to it in a way. I hope it's good, cause I don't think I can take anymore bad news.

Anyways, thanks for listening. 31 years I've been on this earth and I've experienced a lot for someone my age....sometimes I think it's a bit much. I surprised I'm not crazier than I should be. I have more strength than I think I have.

Later,

The Birthday boy

Moving on

Dear Aber,

I ran into the ex this weekend, but I don't think he saw me. He was with the guy that he hooked up with on his birthday. I believe they are dating now and that my ex is happy about it. I am jealous that he's moving on faster than I am, but it also tells me that he didn't really love me even though he said he did. It's all in the process of moving on, then again my ex is kind of a serial monogamous even though he won't admit it. At least this guy drinks like he does, where I was alway sober.

I finally cried this weekend. The weird part is it wasn't totally about my recent ex. It was about my ex from 5 years ago that committed suicide last year around this time. In talking with my friend, I had realized that a lot of the love I was projecting toward J (recent ex) was feelings that I wanted to project to A (ex from 5 years ago). I was never completely over A, but had to move on especially since I was the one that broke his heart by ending the relationship.

I found out that after A had died, he still loved me and I still loved him with all my heart. I didn't really give myself a chance to mourn that since I started dating J only 2 months after A died. Don't get me wrong, I do love J, but I loved him for all the wrong reasons. J and I talked about getting a house and possibly a kid, which is the same conversation that A and I had many years ago. I broke his A's heart long before the break up and I knew it. I just chose to ignore it for so long.

I seriously want to cry right now just thinking of A. He was the one person that truly understood me and that I've never lied to. He knew everything about, even the dirty secrets and he still loved me whole heartedly. I've been blaming myself for his death the past year and felt that me breaking his heart was one of the reasons why he couldn't live with himself. It's so much of a burden for one person to hold and I know this, but I can't help myself.

How could I end a wonderful relationship with a guy who was practically my soulmate? If there was such a thing then A was it. The only reason why I ended it was because I was too messed up in the head from being the brig so long with out human intimacy for months. Plus my dream of going into the medical field was totally shattered and I was broken inside. I was in no place to be in a relationship after that. I let him go, because I thought it would better for him. We stayed close throughout our relationship as lovers and as friends. I just didn't realize that I was hurting him when I talked about my relationships with other guys. 5 years later I'm feeling the same as A, as I see J move on. I don't want anyone to lose out on love the way I did with A. A and I were so connected that we didn't even need to talk to communicate with each other. He's the one guy that I didn't have to talk so much with and I was happy.

As painful as it is, I am happy J is moving on. For one thing, the way he looked at M.A. when they first met was a look I have never seen J give me. Whether it be lust or amazement, it was still a look the J has never given me. We were too opposite and I still stuck around in hopes that one day J will truly love me back. The one thing I learned in my years is that you can't make someone love you no matter how much you want it. I was just lucky we lasted as long as we did.

As weird as it sounds, I do hope J is happy and that M.A. can give him the happiness he's looking for. I'm not saying that I'm not hurt by it, but that too will pass. I have too much of a big heart to hold onto bitterness about he and I's relationship. I still have a hard time looking at him especially when I see him and M.A. together, but it's normal. I don't think I'd be human if I was totally over it in such a short time. The thing to do now is to think about the positive things in life. If J can find happiness, then so can I. It just takes time and patience. God knows that I've got a bit of patience.

Good things come to those who wait and better things come to those who send out what they want back.

Don't know if I'll be sending you anymore letters, Aber. I'm thinking this blog is about to end it's value in the next few weeks. I have a feeling that something big is coming soon, but I don't know what it is yet.

Until next time.

Sincerely,

Slowly Moving On.