I used to be called a mama's boy when I was younger, but the last few years or so my mother and I haven't been really close. I think I withdrew from my family after my father passed away in the summer of 2007 and when I moved away from home.
It was painful when my father passed away and being around my family made me feel really guilty about how I treated my father. I took him for granted when he was alive and when I'm with my family, it reminds me of that. You'd think I'd act differently toward them and that my father's death would've brought me closer to them. Instead, I drifted away.
Now I feel guilty for drifting away from them. Yesterday I found out from my sister that my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. My father died of cancer and now my mother has cancer. I'm terrified now and been on the verge of crying for the past 24 hours. I feel so helpless. It makes me think about all the fights my mother and I have had the last couple of years and it hurts my heart to think about. I feel like I haven't been a very good son to her. I feel bad for how terrible I've been. I separated myself from my mom and my family, so that I can go off on my own and live me life. I just realized that having my own life doesn't mean that I have to disappear from them.
I've already lost one parent. I don't want to lose another one so soon. I don't know what I would do if I end up losing my mother too. I'm screaming inside and I don't even know how to let out all this stress, pain, and fear. I want to eat like crazy or bake a ton of things or even run to the ends of the world, but I don't even have the energy to do that. All I could think about is hiding out in the corner of a dark room and just lay down in the fetal position and pass out.
I miss being a mama's boy! I'm afraid! I'm hurting!
Why does this have to happen?
xoxo,
ex mama's boy
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