I asked myself, "Will it get easier?" and I think it will. I thought about it a lot last night, even though I was going on only 2 hours of sleep the night before. It feels like the further I get away from the relationship, the better it will be and that his decision to break up was the right one.
Who wants to be with someone that doesn't appreciate anything that you do? I sure don't, but I was too blinded by the fact that I love a guy who doesn't even know how to love another person back. I think I went out of my way to do everything for him, but he kept taking me for granted. To him, the relationship was pretty much over before he officially ended it, but he was too much of a coward to tell me. He kept giving me false hope by us talking about getting a place together and possibly having kids. Yes, the conversation was probably started by me, but I didn't say "I love you" first and I wasn't the one that called him "boyfriend" first. I didn't even slip up with the L word and he did it many times. Why would anyone tell you that they love you if they don't mean it? How selfish can you be?
People say hindsight is 20/20 and I believe it. When looking back at the relationship, I could see how he had strong feelings for his ex, Stewey. The thing is, they weren't even together long enough to be considered a real relationship. He was the one that drove Stewey away. He even had a hard time telling me that he was still in contact with Stewey.
He even told me that it's too much work lying, so he doesn't lie. Really? He's lied to me. In fact, I know he's lied to me. I don't if he was doing it to protect me or just to avoid conflict. One instance, I sent him and email about how hurt I felt that we barely have any sex, yet he can hang out on dudesnudes.com for several hours jerking off and chatting fantasy sex with other guys. I was drunk at the time I sent the email and I told him not to read it the next day. I asked him if he did and he said no. Well I know he did read the email and that was the reason why he had sex with me the next day.
He always said that I lack intuition, but I think it was mostly that I was blinded to it when it came to him because of how deeply I felt for him. The fact that I'm probably crazier now and my mind is in chaos is probably the reason why I have more intuition when it comes to him.
I remember him saying how much he doesn't like attention, but I know he does. He wouldn't be acting like a fool around other people if he didn't like the attention. I honestly think he's an attention whore. He does things like make out with other people in public for shock value yet he's embarrassed to show me affection when others are around. It's really quite funny. Even his friends have said that he's an attention seeker. He's in total denial about who he really is. I find it quite sad and I feel bad for him.
He lacks self-esteem, which I do as well, but he tends to have a bit of an ego. He honestly thought that I was snooping around his personal life and I'm like his other exes. It comes to show that he truly didn't know me. I'm no some crazy bitch that's stalking him. That only leads to more heartache and right now my heart can't take that. I really don't want to be in pain forever.
He acted like a douche bag to me all the time when we were around his friends, but he showed me his sweet side many times when we were alone. He was one person when he was with me and another person when others were around. He also said that he gets annoyed with me, because I'm too nice and that I doing stuff for him and others because I like getting the appreciation. Apparently he just judged me without even really finding out who I was. Seriously we were together almost a year and he still doesn't know who I am. I do stuff for people, because it's who I am. I am and will always be a nurturer. I didn't buy him stuff because I wanted him to thank me or love me more. I did because I wanted to and because I knew he'd like them.
How can you spend so much time with someone and not even try to really find out who they are? His friends told me that they were surprise that I was able to keep him in a relationship for so long and I honestly don't know how I did it. Was it just luck?
It's clear to me now that he needs to really know who he is and to truly love himself, before he involves someone into his life intimately. I can only imagine what he thought of me. To him, I was probably the poor oblivious and dumb child who lacks the intelligence, intuition, and challenges he wants in a partner; and he's surprised that I made it to this age at all. It's fine if he thinks that way, he's entitled to his own opinion.
I know I talk to much and many times it's just to talk. I know he was annoyed by it and that's who I am. I loved him and accepted the fact that he really was an asshole, but I still loved him. I believe that if you love someone, you have to love the good and the bad about him. I truly believe I did that.
I don't think I'm wise by far and that all my experiences in life have made me some sort of sage. Everything I'm writing to you about is how I'm feeling.
I don't want you to think he was a bad guy and that I'm telling you all this to bash him. He really is a good guy with so much potential. I really see a lot of potential in him and that's one of the things I loved about him. He's really sensitive and caring, he just feels uncomfortable showing it. It hurt me when he's friends say, "Abby why do you put up with his crap all the time?" and my answer to that is because behind all that crap is a good guy and the guy I fell in love with. If only he can feel comfortable showing that to others, things probably would be different for him.
Here's just a short list of the good things he's done for me:
1. He always cooked for me
2. When I need help moving, he helped me to move
3. He made me a hat, which I'm afraid I lost. Oops.
4. He got worried when I got my night terrors.
5. I got a charlie horse one night and he help rub my calf.
6. When my sister was in trouble, he followed me all the way home and back to his place to make sure I was ok.
It was the good things, whether big or small, that really caught my attention. Like I said, he has so much potential.
Someone asked me, "Do you really want to love someone for their potential, but doesn't do a thing about it?" and I said it's probably not the surest thing, but I said yes if I truly feel the guy is worth the risk. Ask me later if he was worth the risk when I'm not in this funk anymore.
All I can do now is remember the good we shared and move on. It's the only thing I can do.
Thanks for listening!
Blinded by the chaos
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