I ran into the ex this weekend, but I don't think he saw me. He was with the guy that he hooked up with on his birthday. I believe they are dating now and that my ex is happy about it. I am jealous that he's moving on faster than I am, but it also tells me that he didn't really love me even though he said he did. It's all in the process of moving on, then again my ex is kind of a serial monogamous even though he won't admit it. At least this guy drinks like he does, where I was alway sober.
I finally cried this weekend. The weird part is it wasn't totally about my recent ex. It was about my ex from 5 years ago that committed suicide last year around this time. In talking with my friend, I had realized that a lot of the love I was projecting toward J (recent ex) was feelings that I wanted to project to A (ex from 5 years ago). I was never completely over A, but had to move on especially since I was the one that broke his heart by ending the relationship.
I found out that after A had died, he still loved me and I still loved him with all my heart. I didn't really give myself a chance to mourn that since I started dating J only 2 months after A died. Don't get me wrong, I do love J, but I loved him for all the wrong reasons. J and I talked about getting a house and possibly a kid, which is the same conversation that A and I had many years ago. I broke his A's heart long before the break up and I knew it. I just chose to ignore it for so long.
I seriously want to cry right now just thinking of A. He was the one person that truly understood me and that I've never lied to. He knew everything about, even the dirty secrets and he still loved me whole heartedly. I've been blaming myself for his death the past year and felt that me breaking his heart was one of the reasons why he couldn't live with himself. It's so much of a burden for one person to hold and I know this, but I can't help myself.
How could I end a wonderful relationship with a guy who was practically my soulmate? If there was such a thing then A was it. The only reason why I ended it was because I was too messed up in the head from being the brig so long with out human intimacy for months. Plus my dream of going into the medical field was totally shattered and I was broken inside. I was in no place to be in a relationship after that. I let him go, because I thought it would better for him. We stayed close throughout our relationship as lovers and as friends. I just didn't realize that I was hurting him when I talked about my relationships with other guys. 5 years later I'm feeling the same as A, as I see J move on. I don't want anyone to lose out on love the way I did with A. A and I were so connected that we didn't even need to talk to communicate with each other. He's the one guy that I didn't have to talk so much with and I was happy.
As painful as it is, I am happy J is moving on. For one thing, the way he looked at M.A. when they first met was a look I have never seen J give me. Whether it be lust or amazement, it was still a look the J has never given me. We were too opposite and I still stuck around in hopes that one day J will truly love me back. The one thing I learned in my years is that you can't make someone love you no matter how much you want it. I was just lucky we lasted as long as we did.
As weird as it sounds, I do hope J is happy and that M.A. can give him the happiness he's looking for. I'm not saying that I'm not hurt by it, but that too will pass. I have too much of a big heart to hold onto bitterness about he and I's relationship. I still have a hard time looking at him especially when I see him and M.A. together, but it's normal. I don't think I'd be human if I was totally over it in such a short time. The thing to do now is to think about the positive things in life. If J can find happiness, then so can I. It just takes time and patience. God knows that I've got a bit of patience.
Good things come to those who wait and better things come to those who send out what they want back.
Don't know if I'll be sending you anymore letters, Aber. I'm thinking this blog is about to end it's value in the next few weeks. I have a feeling that something big is coming soon, but I don't know what it is yet.
Until next time.
Sincerely,
Slowly Moving On.
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