Thighs like Tree Trunks, Sex, and Bonding

Dear Aber,

The last 2 days were amazing. I feel like I'm dreaming. I met an amazing guy that was visiting his family here in Seattle from LA. At first we met purely for sex and the sex was amazing. I'm mean AMAZING!!! He's the hottest guy that I've ever been with and he thought I was hot too, which I find strange since I don't think I'm hot at all.

It all started from him responding to an online app on my iPhone where I wrote "Thighs like Tree Trunks" on the heading. I sent him a pic of me that accentuated my legs and he replied "Holy shit I'm in love" and sent me a pic of himself. Oh my GOD...I was like he's a damn super model. My impression of him was that he's an 11 out of 10 and can have anyone he wants, so why is he chatting with me. He called me gorgeous and I was surprised. Me? I've never been described as gorgeous.

Anyways, last night after hanging out we ended up bonding over a meal at Sharis. I know it's not a place to take someone as hot as him, but it was the only place open and it rates a small notch above Denny's. Talking with him was like breath of fresh air and something that I needed for a very long time. It's just my luck that I have a perfect yet unperfect date with a guy that's only visiting for a few days. On the bright side, I was lucky enough to even meet the guy, so I'll take what I can get.

If he lived here, I would seriously date the guy and I wish he would move here. The last time I bonded with someone like this was with Andy (if soulmates existed, he would have been mine) and I've never bonded like that with anyone until that last couple of days.

As we said our good byes, I didn't want to let him go. I just wanted to freeze that moment as we hugged and kissed. I just wanted to fall asleep cuddling with him. I can't describe how amazing it all was.

Believe it or not, he made me realize that I haven't given up on finding love and romance. That I will someday find it again. I plan to keep in touch with him for as long as I can and maybe someday we might get a chance at bonding some more.

I can't stress enough how gorgeous he is. He's hot, smart, funny, and the sex was amazing. Ugh! I'm so.....mad and happy at the same time. I could rant on and on about this, but I'm not going too. It is what it is and I'm just happy at the experience I got from it. All I can say is Thank you!

Sincerely,

Thighs Like Tree Trunks

Dating Trend

Dear Aber,

I noticed that a lot of people I know have broken up this summer with their significant others. In fact, I'm one of those people. I got dumped, but that's just details. Anyways, it seems like these same people are also getting on the dating wagon right away. I already notice a few people get into "relationships" already. My ex would probably deny it, but he's in one regardless of what he says. *laughs*

I've been on a few dates here and there, but nothing really concrete. I don't think I'm even ready to jump into another relationship this soon. I just like meeting new people for the most part and increasing my friend base. Yes, I'm up front about it. I don't like leading people on. You may call it noble, but I think it's me being selfish. I believe that I put out to the universe what I want and it'll bring it back to me...or something like that. Basically, I'm being as real as possible to people, because I don't want the "powers that be" to send me fake people.

I notice that a lot of people tend to change their habits for a bit once they start dating someone new. I know I've done it in the past. I'm tired of that crap. I'd rather be honest up front and change with the person I'm with and not change to be with the person. Don't know if that makes sense. For example, I'm nice but I can be a bitch. I show both sides to the person I'm interested in. I don't hide the other side of me.

Recently, I started to quit smoking. I did it before I started hanging out with a smoking cessation counselor. I didn't quit when we are hanging out so that he'd be more interested in me. I've wanted to quit for a long time, but since J smoked I really didn't see the need to. It made it easier to be both smokers than have one non-smoker in the relationship. I should have taken initiative and got us to both quit, but I had changed to be more submissive in our relationship. I guess I really didn't want to be the dominant one. Strangely enough I was the dominant one in the relationship prior to J.

I'm just venting about dating in general. How do people easily move on to the next person quicker than I do? I know we all deal with change or break ups differently, so I can't really compare others to myself. Maybe I'm just slow at letting things go or I analyze things way too much. Maybe it's a little of both.

I seem to follow the same pattern all the time when it comes to dating. I think I'm usually the person that puts 100% into a relationship instead of holding things back. At least that's what I do now. I held back when I was with A only to lose him...more like let him go. I feel like he was the love of my life, but I didn't realize it until after he was gone. Life is funny that way and I think he really likes to play jokes on me.

That was the past and this is now. I'm not following my old patterns and not going with the dating trend that most people do. I'm going to be more honest with myself and the other person. It makes it easier for the both of us to decide whether we become friends, lovers, or another thing entirely. I'm also tired of the whole passive aggressiveness of Seattle. I'm going back to my roots. I'll be the nice guy that I am and the hopeful romantic that I am. I'm not gonna hide those things, but I'd be lying to myself and the other person. I'm not the most masculine guy and I'm proud of it.

I want to be happy like the couples I know and I'm not going to settle for anything less. :-)

Thanks for listening.

Not so sleepless in Seattle

Easier Said than done

Dear Aber,

Tonight I ended up going to a bachelor bar hoping party for a good friend. It so happens my ex is good friends with him and his new boy is also friends with him. At first I thought it would be weird hanging out with my ex and his new squeeze, but it really wasn't so bad. I think I'm really moving on now. It's only been about 7 weeks (not sure) since we had broken up and he's moved on quicker than me. I know I should feel anger, hurt, and be super pissed off, but I'm not. I think I've finally grown up.

I'm really happy for him, since all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. I had hoped that it was me during our relationship, but I just wasn't the right guy. Hopefully M.A. will be the right one. I honestly don't want him to end up getting his heart broken (it's not the usual case for him). He is usually the heart breaker. I just want him to be in a relationship where he can be himself and still be loved. I loved him for who he is regardless of him being an asshole and I want him to find someone that will too. Maybe when he finally feels true love for a person, his attitude will change and show the loving side that I saw a few times in our relationship.

Seeing him and M.A. tonight was easier than I thought. I kept my insanity in check. I guess it helped chatting with him before we ended up at the party. Chatting with him almost felt like old times yet different.

He said he always trusted me and I realized that I didn't always trust him. It was hard too after so many untrustworthy people that I had relationships with. What I learned from him, was that I shouldn't be with anyone I don't trust and not to settle. At the same time, I shouldn't be searching for something better if I already have a great thing.

One day I'll meet they guy that was meant to be with him. I fell in love twice already and it didn't work out, so maybe the 3rd time is a charm.

Anyways, I'm off to bed. I have to be up at 6am on a Saturday so I can compete in this dragon boat race. Hopefully my should will last and I can make it through all 3 races.

Thanks for listening!

The moving on kid

Birthday

Dear Aber,

So I turned 31 today and so far the day has been great. My friends have posted on my FB wall wishing me a fantabulous birthday. My cube was decorated by a mystery co-worker, probably Linda who is on vacation, and the most amazing chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting from Whole Foods. It's been a great day.

Last year after my birthday was when I met J. It would have been nice to celebrate the day with him if we were still together. He probably would have either taken me to dinner or made dinner. His gifts were simple, but they meant a lot. I know the we weren't meant to be, but I still miss the douche. It's getting easier everyday to be single again and I think of him less and less. I still think we had some good times and I don't regret being in a relationship with him at all. I realize it's ok to miss him and still move on. It would've been nice if he wished me happy birthday too. I guess he's giving me space and avoiding me (might be afraid that I'd still be hurt).

I don't really like celebrating my birthday for some reason. I enjoy celebrating other people's more. The good part is that I got to work from home this morning and then come into work just so I can go to lunch. I did do a lot of work from home and after lunch, so I don't feel bad. Everyday isn't my birthday, so I can relax a bit.

My weekend is so booked, so I'm not really doing anything primarily for me. I got a bachelor bar crawl to go to on Friday, dragon boat racing from 7:30 to 5pm on Saturday, and a wedding to go to on Sunday. So much for relaxing during a 3 day weekend. Good thing is that I get to hang out with my good friends and share my weekend with them. I hardly doubt that I'm gonna get birthday booty, but it's all good. I'd rather save sex for when it's more meaningful and with someone meaningful. I haven't been as slutty as I thought I would be being single again and I'm fine with that. At the same time, I don't want to be a serial monogamous/dater.

I want my 31st year of life to be a great one and maybe if I believe it will be, then it'll come true. So far so good. I'm thankful for my family and the great friends I've made throughout my life. Also, with friends like mine, who needs enemies.

I still have this weird feeling that something big is gonna happen soon. Maybe life changing and I don't know what. Somehow I feel connected to it in a way. I hope it's good, cause I don't think I can take anymore bad news.

Anyways, thanks for listening. 31 years I've been on this earth and I've experienced a lot for someone my age....sometimes I think it's a bit much. I surprised I'm not crazier than I should be. I have more strength than I think I have.

Later,

The Birthday boy

Moving on

Dear Aber,

I ran into the ex this weekend, but I don't think he saw me. He was with the guy that he hooked up with on his birthday. I believe they are dating now and that my ex is happy about it. I am jealous that he's moving on faster than I am, but it also tells me that he didn't really love me even though he said he did. It's all in the process of moving on, then again my ex is kind of a serial monogamous even though he won't admit it. At least this guy drinks like he does, where I was alway sober.

I finally cried this weekend. The weird part is it wasn't totally about my recent ex. It was about my ex from 5 years ago that committed suicide last year around this time. In talking with my friend, I had realized that a lot of the love I was projecting toward J (recent ex) was feelings that I wanted to project to A (ex from 5 years ago). I was never completely over A, but had to move on especially since I was the one that broke his heart by ending the relationship.

I found out that after A had died, he still loved me and I still loved him with all my heart. I didn't really give myself a chance to mourn that since I started dating J only 2 months after A died. Don't get me wrong, I do love J, but I loved him for all the wrong reasons. J and I talked about getting a house and possibly a kid, which is the same conversation that A and I had many years ago. I broke his A's heart long before the break up and I knew it. I just chose to ignore it for so long.

I seriously want to cry right now just thinking of A. He was the one person that truly understood me and that I've never lied to. He knew everything about, even the dirty secrets and he still loved me whole heartedly. I've been blaming myself for his death the past year and felt that me breaking his heart was one of the reasons why he couldn't live with himself. It's so much of a burden for one person to hold and I know this, but I can't help myself.

How could I end a wonderful relationship with a guy who was practically my soulmate? If there was such a thing then A was it. The only reason why I ended it was because I was too messed up in the head from being the brig so long with out human intimacy for months. Plus my dream of going into the medical field was totally shattered and I was broken inside. I was in no place to be in a relationship after that. I let him go, because I thought it would better for him. We stayed close throughout our relationship as lovers and as friends. I just didn't realize that I was hurting him when I talked about my relationships with other guys. 5 years later I'm feeling the same as A, as I see J move on. I don't want anyone to lose out on love the way I did with A. A and I were so connected that we didn't even need to talk to communicate with each other. He's the one guy that I didn't have to talk so much with and I was happy.

As painful as it is, I am happy J is moving on. For one thing, the way he looked at M.A. when they first met was a look I have never seen J give me. Whether it be lust or amazement, it was still a look the J has never given me. We were too opposite and I still stuck around in hopes that one day J will truly love me back. The one thing I learned in my years is that you can't make someone love you no matter how much you want it. I was just lucky we lasted as long as we did.

As weird as it sounds, I do hope J is happy and that M.A. can give him the happiness he's looking for. I'm not saying that I'm not hurt by it, but that too will pass. I have too much of a big heart to hold onto bitterness about he and I's relationship. I still have a hard time looking at him especially when I see him and M.A. together, but it's normal. I don't think I'd be human if I was totally over it in such a short time. The thing to do now is to think about the positive things in life. If J can find happiness, then so can I. It just takes time and patience. God knows that I've got a bit of patience.

Good things come to those who wait and better things come to those who send out what they want back.

Don't know if I'll be sending you anymore letters, Aber. I'm thinking this blog is about to end it's value in the next few weeks. I have a feeling that something big is coming soon, but I don't know what it is yet.

Until next time.

Sincerely,

Slowly Moving On.

Reverse Florence Nightingale effect

Dear Aber,

Have you heard of the Florence Nightingale effect? It is a term used when people interpret an amiable bed side manner of a health care provider as affection. I think I have the reverse version of that when it comes to relationships. I tend to want to be the Florence Nightingale for others, mostly the guys I get into relationships with. I didn't realized this until I talked to one of my friends. She asked me how I was coping with the break up and I told her everything that I realized in the last couple days. I told her about the question, "What do I miss most about my ex?" and told her I didn't know. Here's what she told me.

Friend: I know what you miss most about him.

Me: Really? What do you think it is, because I have no idea?

Friend: You miss taking care of him. Or at least you miss taking care of someone. You need to let that go. You have this need to take care of people when what you really need is someone who can also take care of you.

Bloody hell! She's a fucken genius and she's not even a therapist. She's totally right. I know that I'm this nurturing person, but I never really thought about it that way. It was like light bulb just turned on in my head (it's rare occasion that it happens since I'm so dense, so I celebrated in my mind). *laughs*

It's great to have such good friends with great insight. It's also good to have friends who have experienced life more than you have. She told to take this experience and learn from it. Break the pattern!

Feeling way better now!

Florence Nightingale wannabe

What do I miss the most about him?

Dear Aber,

I was talking to my friend last night, because I was still feeling weird about the whole ex and M.A. (the new guy in his life). I was venting a lot about how I felt and then he asked me, "What do you miss most about your ex?" and I couldn't answer that. I told him I don't know what I miss about him and I still don't know. I do miss companionship, but it's not necessarily with him. I had to think really hard and didn't have an answer. It made me think about why I was really upset and hurt about the whole thing.

I think what made me really mad is that I was rejected. To be honest, I was actually thinking of breaking up with him if things didn't get better. I already planned to talk to him after we got back from Montana, but he totally took me by surprise. I think the reason I can't cry about the relationship is my way of revenge, because he always "bragged" that he was always making his exes cry and was the one that always did the dumping and was never dumped. No one likes rejection and I think that's what hurts the most.

Another friend of mine also told me that the dumper always moves on a lot quicker than the dumpee (not a real word). I totally understand that. I remember that I moved on a lot quicker when I was the dumper.

So back to the question about what I miss most about him. I don't know. I miss cuddling, but I've cuddle with others since and it was nice. I forgot all about him in that moment. I think what I missed most is really about being in a relationship, it really doesn't matter who the relationship is with. I spent almost a year in a relationship and I think that's what this void is for me....being single. I just have to learn how to be single again.

Thanks for listening!

Not so insane afterall.

Will it get easier?

Dear Aber,

I asked myself, "Will it get easier?" and I think it will. I thought about it a lot last night, even though I was going on only 2 hours of sleep the night before. It feels like the further I get away from the relationship, the better it will be and that his decision to break up was the right one.

Who wants to be with someone that doesn't appreciate anything that you do? I sure don't, but I was too blinded by the fact that I love a guy who doesn't even know how to love another person back. I think I went out of my way to do everything for him, but he kept taking me for granted. To him, the relationship was pretty much over before he officially ended it, but he was too much of a coward to tell me. He kept giving me false hope by us talking about getting a place together and possibly having kids. Yes, the conversation was probably started by me, but I didn't say "I love you" first and I wasn't the one that called him "boyfriend" first. I didn't even slip up with the L word and he did it many times. Why would anyone tell you that they love you if they don't mean it? How selfish can you be?

People say hindsight is 20/20 and I believe it. When looking back at the relationship, I could see how he had strong feelings for his ex, Stewey. The thing is, they weren't even together long enough to be considered a real relationship. He was the one that drove Stewey away. He even had a hard time telling me that he was still in contact with Stewey.

He even told me that it's too much work lying, so he doesn't lie. Really? He's lied to me. In fact, I know he's lied to me. I don't if he was doing it to protect me or just to avoid conflict. One instance, I sent him and email about how hurt I felt that we barely have any sex, yet he can hang out on dudesnudes.com for several hours jerking off and chatting fantasy sex with other guys. I was drunk at the time I sent the email and I told him not to read it the next day. I asked him if he did and he said no. Well I know he did read the email and that was the reason why he had sex with me the next day.

He always said that I lack intuition, but I think it was mostly that I was blinded to it when it came to him because of how deeply I felt for him. The fact that I'm probably crazier now and my mind is in chaos is probably the reason why I have more intuition when it comes to him.

I remember him saying how much he doesn't like attention, but I know he does. He wouldn't be acting like a fool around other people if he didn't like the attention. I honestly think he's an attention whore. He does things like make out with other people in public for shock value yet he's embarrassed to show me affection when others are around. It's really quite funny. Even his friends have said that he's an attention seeker. He's in total denial about who he really is. I find it quite sad and I feel bad for him.

He lacks self-esteem, which I do as well, but he tends to have a bit of an ego. He honestly thought that I was snooping around his personal life and I'm like his other exes. It comes to show that he truly didn't know me. I'm no some crazy bitch that's stalking him. That only leads to more heartache and right now my heart can't take that. I really don't want to be in pain forever.

He acted like a douche bag to me all the time when we were around his friends, but he showed me his sweet side many times when we were alone. He was one person when he was with me and another person when others were around. He also said that he gets annoyed with me, because I'm too nice and that I doing stuff for him and others because I like getting the appreciation. Apparently he just judged me without even really finding out who I was. Seriously we were together almost a year and he still doesn't know who I am. I do stuff for people, because it's who I am. I am and will always be a nurturer. I didn't buy him stuff because I wanted him to thank me or love me more. I did because I wanted to and because I knew he'd like them.

How can you spend so much time with someone and not even try to really find out who they are? His friends told me that they were surprise that I was able to keep him in a relationship for so long and I honestly don't know how I did it. Was it just luck?

It's clear to me now that he needs to really know who he is and to truly love himself, before he involves someone into his life intimately. I can only imagine what he thought of me. To him, I was probably the poor oblivious and dumb child who lacks the intelligence, intuition, and challenges he wants in a partner; and he's surprised that I made it to this age at all. It's fine if he thinks that way, he's entitled to his own opinion.

I know I talk to much and many times it's just to talk. I know he was annoyed by it and that's who I am. I loved him and accepted the fact that he really was an asshole, but I still loved him. I believe that if you love someone, you have to love the good and the bad about him. I truly believe I did that.

I don't think I'm wise by far and that all my experiences in life have made me some sort of sage. Everything I'm writing to you about is how I'm feeling.

I don't want you to think he was a bad guy and that I'm telling you all this to bash him. He really is a good guy with so much potential. I really see a lot of potential in him and that's one of the things I loved about him. He's really sensitive and caring, he just feels uncomfortable showing it. It hurt me when he's friends say, "Abby why do you put up with his crap all the time?" and my answer to that is because behind all that crap is a good guy and the guy I fell in love with. If only he can feel comfortable showing that to others, things probably would be different for him.

Here's just a short list of the good things he's done for me:

1. He always cooked for me

2. When I need help moving, he helped me to move

3. He made me a hat, which I'm afraid I lost. Oops.

4. He got worried when I got my night terrors.

5. I got a charlie horse one night and he help rub my calf.

6. When my sister was in trouble, he followed me all the way home and back to his place to make sure I was ok.

It was the good things, whether big or small, that really caught my attention. Like I said, he has so much potential.

Someone asked me, "Do you really want to love someone for their potential, but doesn't do a thing about it?" and I said it's probably not the surest thing, but I said yes if I truly feel the guy is worth the risk. Ask me later if he was worth the risk when I'm not in this funk anymore.

All I can do now is remember the good we shared and move on. It's the only thing I can do.

Thanks for listening!

Blinded by the chaos

....WTF?!

Dear Aber,

I got the weirdest IM today from my ex. Apparently he found out about me finding out about the whole hook up thing this past weekend. How in the world did he find out? Also, why in the world would he contact me about it? Geez, let's pour more salt in the wound. He seemed like he was concerned, but I think he was more concerned about how I found out and who told me. Does it really matter? I found out when I didn't want to know and let me deal with it.

Why does he care if I found out? He broke up with me because he didn't love me, so why should he care if I found out something about him that hurt me.

First off, I knew something was gonna happen when I saw him and the guy he hooked up with when they were talking. It's funny that I seem to have more intuition with him now that we are broken up. My nameless friend just confirmed it with me the following day when I didn't even ask for the information. This damn community is way too damn small. I asked him nicely not to tell me any more things about my ex.

Several things pissed me of about the IM today. First, he contacted me at work. Second, he acted concerned about me being hurt. If he was that concerned, he wouldn't have contacted me about it and contacted me at work. I don't know if he contacted me out of concern or to gloat or that he enjoys my misery or all of the above. Lastly, he dared to give me advice and said, "i only have a bit of advice, if you don't sniff around you shouldn't have to find these things outt." I can't believe he actually said that. Why the fuck would I want to sniff around in his private life knowing that I could hurt myself in the damn process?! Seriously?! Does he really believe that I want to torture myself this way? What a fucken insensitive asshole!!!!

I wouldn't be surprised if he was telling his friends that I found out and how crazy all he's exes become after the break up. Honestly, I don't think I'm being crazy by being pissy about it. I didn't contact him when I found out, so it's ok to be crazy to myself. Right? This whole thing is getting way messier than it needs to be.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Sincerely,

Crazy fucked up world

....why do I still hurt?

Dear Aber,

It's been over a month since the break up and I still hurt. I found out that he hooked up with someone on his birthday and it totally fucked me up. I seriously want this pain to stop and don't want to think about it ever again. I feel like I want him out of my life, but at the same time I don't.

How do I make this pain stop? How do I control the craziness that I'm feeling? I'm angry, hurt, and want to hit things really hard. What makes things worse is that I miss him and miss being held at him at night. I miss being around him, where I felt safe. I shouldn't feel any of this, because he's not the type of person I should feel safe with or miss being around. I tried not to love him, but it ended up making me fall deeper in love with him even more.

Why do I tend to go for guys who are just not good for me? My friends say I'm a catch and even my ex said that, but if that's true then why do I always get the short end of the stick. His post break up funk maybe gone, but mine never went away.

I play strong all the time to my friends and family, but it's getting exhausting. The hurt seems to get stronger every day that passes. I was in denial that the relationship was over, but now reality finally it me. My dreams are getting more vivid and the sleeping medication isn't helping anymore. Why am I so fucked up over this? I'm usually more resilient that this.

I don't want my friends to see my pain anymore. I don't want to keep talking to them about this. I just want it over. How do I stop the pain and not destroy myself in the process?

Sincerely,

Broken-hearted Fool

J.J.S.

Dear Aber,

I wish I could have saved you from this pain, but you would've regretted not going through it.

After you turn 30, you'll start dating a guy that you first thought was just going to be a hookup. It turns out the one night stand you thought is going to last almost a year. There will be some hard times and lots of good times. In the end, he'll break up with you. The reasons are that he felt that the relationship wasn't going to develop any further. You'll understand that it could have grown, but only if the both of you put the work into it rather than being lazy about it. Relationships take a bit of work and it can seem like everything gets routine. You'll remember this the next time you get into a relationship and work through things more.

It'll be hard, because you gave yourself wholeheartedly to him, but he couldn't return the same feelings for you as much as he wanted to. He'll worry about that a lot, which will stress him out and then stress you out. Instead of just enjoying the time you spend together, he'll continue worrying that he can't love the way you want him to. It will be emotionally draining for the both of you.

You'll feel broken and feel like you just lost a big part of yourself, which you did. Time will heal and you will move on. I know it'll be tough, but you need to hang on. You gave yourself to him unselfishly and that's who you are. After you lost Andy, you thought you'd never love again. You ended up falling in love with Jason and that's what is going to hurt the most. It's not the end of the world. You fell in love twice already and you'll probably fall in love again. Hopefully the next will be more successful.

Take the time you need to heal. Remember this: "Our past teaches us lessons that make us more aware and more human" and "At least your not worried about getting shot at!" You'll learn that your are much stronger than you really are. Remember you deserve to be happy and be with someone that will share that happiness with you. You will be fine.

~ Your future self.

P.S. The picture above is the last picture you two took as a couple. It was also the first and last time you two ever slow danced.

Letters to My 22 Year Old Self

I got this idea from a story I heard on NPR yesterday. I thought it was interesting, so I asked myself what would I write to my 22 year old self. Here's what I came up with:

Dear Abby,

You're still young and it's your last year in the Navy. You are wondering if you should re-enlist or get out and go to school. You're going to meet a guy who works on a cruise ship and start dating him. During this dating process, you decide to be honorably discharged from the service, because you are tired of hiding who you are. Unfortunately, the relationship doesn't work out.

Here's the part that sucks. It has nothing to do with the relationship, so put that out of your mind. You are going to go back to school and work your way to get into the Nursing program. You finally get in the door, but you get called back into active duty and are sent to Iraq.

You get shot at, buildings blow up, and you patch people up. At the time, you don't even notice how much it sucks. You look at the bright side and think about all the free healthcare you are giving to the Iraqi people and the care you give to your marines. What you don't know is that you start fooling around with a marine, get caught, and then kicked out.

Here's what you should have done! You should have either re-enlisted and get shipped to Spain or go to a Navy tech school; or keep your dick in your pants and not fool around while in your Iraq. Take your pick. I promise it will end better than getting thrown in the brig.

With much love,
Your future self.